Teens find booty calls aren't so harmless
She'd sleep with him when they were officially "on"; she'd
sleep with him when they were "off."
Stephanie had pretty much grown accustomed to having sexy fun with a guy
who didn't like her back in the same way. She'd feel hurt when he treated
her as just a friend beyond the bed. She'd fumble awkwardly when peers
would ask what exactly was going on.
But for six months, this 19-year-old from Bellevue accepted the confusion
and heartache that came with being intimate "friends" with
her on-again, off-again partner, wondering regularly what was going
through his head.
She remembers feeling mad one day when the guy, with whom she was on
a weekend trip, received a phone call from another girl — a girl
Stephanie later learned he was seeing.
Technically she had no right to get mad or to claim territory. So she
didn't.
"I felt frustrated because I couldn't control the situation,"
Stephanie said. "And I was upset, but I didn't want to show my
emotions in front of him."
Talk about murky.
Though it seems, on the surface, that arrangements between "friends
with benefits" can wrap up as tidily as a sitcom ending, teens
in the Puget Sound area say that casual sexy fun often backfires emotionally.
"People always associate sexy fun to being close or being loved, and
a lot of people, especially at this age, don't know what that's like,"
said 17-year-old Molly Franey, a member of Planned Parenthood's Teen
Council. "I think it's a need to feel close to someone or to feel
special."
Linden Griffith, 19, hears about people having one-night stands and
mutual parties who agree on a no-fuss sexual deal. But she's seen friends
go through the emotional fallout that almost always strikes at least
one side.
"They say it doesn't matter, but it kind of kills them inside,"
she said.
Strings attached
though teen relationships generally don't last as long as those between
adults, studies show that teens in committed relationships are less
likely to use protection or contraception than those having casual sexy fun .
"In general, the number of kids using protection and contraception
has gone up," said Tim McLeod, a health educator in Olympia for
Planned Parenthood, inferring that more teens are having more casual
sexy fun .
But in general, studies show that teens are engaged in less sexual
activity than they were 10 years ago. A report last May by the National
Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy shows that 20 percent of teenagers
have had sexy fun before turning 15. The organization also reports that in
1991, 57 percent of high-school boys had had sexy fun . By 2001, that figure
was 49 percent. When it came to high-school girls, 51 percent had had
sexy fun in 1991, compared with 43 percent in 2001.
But "the flip side to this whole thing is we also know there's
a greater percentage of kids that are getting involved sexually at a
younger age," McLeod said.
Which means that more young kids are wrestling with the question: Can
platonic friends have sexy fun , or engage in non-intercourse sexual activities,
with no confusing emotional strings attached?
"I think the very young, who have no goals, can often do some
of this without too much impact for a while," said Pepper Schwartz,
professor of sociology at the University of Washington. "But if
this becomes your social life, it becomes alienating."
Griffith added that the lifestyle can lead teens to feel insecure,
as they're never emotionally fulfilled.
The promise of a future relationship also may be why many teenage girls
consent to casual sexy fun .
Then there's the attitude that "it's the next thing to do"
— especially if a teen's peers have had sexy fun . Franey said that
girls often feel the need to impress a guy with their sexuality to feel
that they're "worth something."
According to a survey conducted by Seventeen magazine in its July 2003
issue, slightly more than 40 percent of sexually active teenage boys
between the ages of 15 and 17 have had two to five sexual partners.
Almost 38 percent of sexually active girls in that age range had that
same number of partners. About 3 percent of boys in this category have
had 10 or more partners, compared to about 5 percent for girls.
This same survey showed that most teens lose their virginity between
ages 16 and 17.
Stephanie, who is in a relationship now with her on-again/off-again
guy, said she prefers to be part of an official couple before having
sexy fun .
"I think I kind of go back and forth," she said. "Because
being a teenager, I'm battling with what I think is right and wrong
and the morals I've been brought up with."
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